What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 01:15
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im still living with it.
What problems do you face in everyday life?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were not on the streets..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Put me off passion for life!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He knew the spot.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I don,t even have a pension.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i lived it daily.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I want to be a well-rounded person. What should I do?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I have no regrets .
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She found it foreign!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Ive learnt so much.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was scared of men, in general
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Have you ever been forced into bestiality?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I will be 64.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Who then, do I blame.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I said to her
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One cannot live in the past .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She loved him until the end.
Would this be the day?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I waited trembling.
I was very sick at this time too.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was 9 years of age.
She married twice! .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Comes on , in middle age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My family never makes their pension either.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My life is so biszare .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I think the readers, may guess!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
This is soul school!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We all went to grammer schools
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
All the time i was locked up.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I couldn’t, believe it.
So, i spoilt her more .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I write beautiful poetry .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So whats the point in blame.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it wasn’t much.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She wouldn,t have been !
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was in good health!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
What did i know ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But, we were locked up after school.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.